There is a knot in my heart. It comes up to choke me whenever I want to do something I find meaningful or important. Today it came up when I wanted to write a blog post. I have endless ideas and thoughts I want to share but as soon as I sit down my chest closes and the path to creativity freezes. So, instead of writing what I was in touch with earlier, I resort to talking about the obstacle that infringes on my creativity. How can I get the knot out of my heart?
I believe I have two approaches to fixing or addressing this problem. The first involves pushing through all the resistance with a hard head. And the second involves stepping back and taking the time to fine tune this confusing piece of machinery. For the larger part of my life I’ve taken the first option—I’ve bulldozed my way through. I would make a goal and ignore any feelings or resistance that could get in the way of that goal. Unfortunately, I ran out of steam—I broke down so pitifully that I hardly wanted to live anymore. More recently, I’ve swayed towards the latter. That is, I have been working to catch my breath and tend to the internal obstacles that seem to be holding me back. (The knot in my chest seems to grow and grow as I write).
Well, I’ve gotten nowhere but deeper into the ticket here. I have observed two modes for going through life that aren’t bearing any fruit. Now, I’m thinking of a third option: to follow my heart. How can I follow my heart? Although I have no answer, I feel the world has given me a hint…
I once had an experience where I truly felt connected to purpose and meaning. I felt in touch with my purpose in the same way that a speaker feels in touch with his message. When the message is clear and the words come easy and there as a true energy held in the messengers words. (When we don’t know what to say we can grasp for small talk or spare phrases but none of them will carry much substance).
But ahhhh, yet again, I find myself stuck…How can I get back in touch with that feeling? I don’t think sitting around waiting for a feeling would bring much success. But without that connection I feel lost–that connection is the compass I need to navigate my life. Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers in this writing. However, my fight through resistance to create this post is a small step in the right direction.
A note to any reader: Thank you for reading. I see that my thoughts are unclear and my thinking process quite gambled. Regardless, I must post this a small point of victory for myself. (And the question still remains…How to connect to your heart?!)
Inside the Mind 